Astro Bites

Aries March 21 – April 19

Now is a great time to focus on your relationships, home life, and controlling your spending habits, Aries. 

Drinking until the bartender turns the lights on every night can severely hurt your finances and lead to unnecessary drama.

 I know you’re friends with the bartender, but they do have to charge you for at least one or two of those $7 shots. Management does occasionally check the cameras.

It’ll benefit you to nurture relationships with your loved ones instead of blowing those cash tips every night. Maybe that on-and-off fling with your lead host can become a long-term partnership.

Inviting friends over to cook dinner and showing off your wine knowledge is way more meaningful than holding their hair back in a graffiti-covered bathroom. It’s time to stay home for a bit—at least until everyone forgets about how you sobbed over your situationship not texting you back.

Taurus April 20 – May 2024

July is a time to broaden your horizons and expand your knowledge through new experiences, Taurus. It’s a fruitful time for new connections and networking opportunities.

Your ideas on how to reorganize the side stations more efficiently will be well-received by your management (ie “I don’t care do whatever you want”). It could be time to start on your real estate license and leave the industry.

Spend more time schmoozing your local real estate mogul who always requests your section. Your guests notice more than you realize so keep up the hard work. It’s time to crack the whip and push yourself to new heights.

Gemini  May 21 – June 20

This month will bring more opportunities for growth and communication, Gemini. It will allow you to gather needed information to reevaluate your priorities and adjust your long-term goals accordingly.

You may be more likely to talk a guest into going for a higher-end bourbon by spending extra time educating them on different varieties. Just be sure to bribe your barback with shots of well-liquor before putting them deeper in the weeds.

After all, they are frantically cleaning rocks glasses for the people throwing money at you while you go on a 10-minute tangent about how Blanton’s is SO overpriced nowadays (which is valid). Show your team how much you appreciate them through clear communication.

They’ll be more forgiving of you talking too much when you spread the wealth.

Cancer June 22- July 22

Your platonic and romantic relationships will be pushed to the forefront of your life this month, Cancer. This can be nerve-wracking, especially after your last alcohol-induced fight with your coworker over them stealing your favorite regular.

But do not fear, Cancer, this month brings a renewed sense of positivity within your social circle. The two of you will kiss and make up after offering to do each other’s least favorite side work.

Your emotional well-being will play an important role when deepening your existing relationships. Don’t feel nervous to step back, bum a Marlboro from a dishwasher, and enjoy your coffee while sitting on a milk crate before it gets cold.

Letting the stress of the daily grind get to you will inevitably cause you to push others away. Take some time to stop and smell the second-hand smoke. Plus, most of your line cooks always smoke the best weed out there.

Leo July 23 – August 22

July will be a time when the work you’ve put in to plan your future will finally come to fruition, Leo. You may have felt you lacked the motivation to continue persevering.

It’s easy to fall into a slump and get into the habit of droning on the same spiel over and over and over and over and over again. But do not fret, those hours spent learning the difference between the different flavor profiles of high-end mushrooms, and possibly partaking in more illicit varieties, will soon be recognized.

That lead server position is within your reach. Even if you feel you haven’t worked towards specific goals, more opportunities will come. Spend some time looking inward to give yourself more insight into your aspirations. The turnover rate in restaurants is at its highest and there are plenty of opportunities for a necessary change.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

While you’re typically a no-nonsense person, Virgo, this month will provide plenty of opportunities to take some time off and enjoy what life offers.

You’ll feel like your physical and spiritual desires are just within reach. In turn, you’ll have the motivation to put in the work to achieve your long-term goals.

It could be squirreling away your cash tips to move out of your dingy apartment with five roommates who always dip into your liquor stash. Maybe you’ll start gathering the information to apply for a business loan to open a bar and be your own boss.

This joyous inspiration will go hand in hand with a booming social life. Don’t avoid opportunities to join in on coworker gatherings off the clock. You may make new friends, discover more information on the latest gossip, and learn who to avoid after hours.

Libra September 23 – October 22

After feeling tired and overworked for seemingly years, things are about to turn around for the better, Libra. This is a great time to center your life around your health and happiness.

Avoid the temptation to take back your old job and surround yourself with narcissistic managers and unnecessary drama. While it has been slower than usual, things will pick up soon.

The next big music festival is right around the corner, gifting you with guests who can afford a $500 ticket and $15 for a Miller Lite tallboy (cough cough High Water COUGH COUGH). Your financial struggles will slowly fade if you push through the tougher months and continue pressing on.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

This month will be a time to crack down and get shit done, Scorpio. Important connections from previous endeavors are returning with offers that will skyrocket your career.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people from your past to support your undertakings. The manager from your old catering gig may not remember you, but they’ll happily take the money to provide food and booze for your first big event. Don’t let any bumps in the road deter your progress and accept the inevitable.

The event company providing tables and chairs will be late. The main generator providing power for an outdoor event will go out an hour before it starts. Stay hopeful that things will fall into place, but maybe make sure you have someone who knows about electrical work in your contacts.

Sagittarius  November 22 – December 21

There’s a heavy focus on your finances and where your money comes and goes, Sagittarius. You’ll see yourself being a little less generous when it comes to inviting your buddies into the bathroom for a quick bump of coke.

It would be wise to drink at home instead of going out this month to be more insightful of where your money comes and goes. You’ll also experience more instances of receiving financial bonuses outside of your typical duties.

Your company may start offering to contribute to your health insurance payments or offer a significant raise that may finally boost your hourly to minimum wage. Invest your increase in income towards long-term assets that will give you a more comfortable life later on.

The more you save, the nicer a house you’ll be able to buy when the housing market collapses.

Capricorn  December 22 – January 19

Just around the corner is an important new romantic or professional relationship for you, Capricorn. Your romantic life will present new chances to deepen an existing relationship or invest in a new interest for the single girlies.

Deepening your relationship will make communicating peacefully easier when you quit smoking together. Someone close to you may offer an opportunity to become a co-owner of their new business idea.

However, don’t blindly jump into long-term commitments without seriously considering whether or not it will benefit you. Throwing your savings at a rave-themed cafe that’s open for four hours three days a week isn’t the smartest move, even if you’ve been friends with the owner since college.

Surrounding yourself with positive energy will make succeeding in your goals much more satisfying.

Aquarius  January 20 – February 18

You seem more content handling your personal affairs privately this month, Aquarius. You may feel the need to direct your attention to your close relationships and make your home life reflect your true self.

There’s a sense that some of you may have a lot of noise within your home. Like, literal noise. Have you been kept up the last few nights listening to the rowdy fraternity brothers next door?

Only to be woken up after a few hours of sleep by your landlord finally fixing your leaky roof? This would clearly push you out of the comfort of your home, but use that time to give your friends and loved ones more attention.

You crash on your best friend’s couch every weekend after killing a bottle of tequila anyway. Don’t isolate yourself from the generosity of people who care about you most.

Pisces  February 19 – March 20

You may have been feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities that have been emotionally draining, Pisces. You’ve been fighting the urge to shirk your obligations for short-term pleasures.

It’s easy to say “fuck it” and swipe your credit card at the bar in between paychecks until you realize that check lands on the last day you have to pay rent. Even though your hard work feels fruitless, those countless doubles and cutting your weed budget in half will pay off soon.

Don’t be discouraged and find joy in the little things in life. You can at least rest easy knowing your romantic relationships will be free of any serious conflict. Lean into the stability of a loving partner so you don’t have a full-blown meltdown in the middle of a dinner rush. I promise the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train.